all things go, all things go
i haven’t written on here in a while, and i’m stuck sitting in the library through second period, so basically i decided right now was a good time to get on that. my life has been interesting lately, schools been in session all of five days and already my senioritis has kicked in full force. i can’t say that i’m surprised, it’s just annoying that i have 175 days left until i’m out of here, and i’m already done. justin and i have been together almost three months now and he’s basically become a regular part of my routine. basically, he’s one of my best friends and i’m so happy i found him and i don’t know what else to say, he’s not the funnest thing for me to write about.
i’ve recently decided to legit make peace with people. less than a year, and i’m outta this hell hole so i might as well make things good while i can so that my time left can be somewhat enjoyable, if not absolutely amazing. yeah, i’m proud of myself, this is a big step for me, because i’m actually a little bit immature. another mature thing i’ve decided on is letting go of my past. it’s over with, it’s done. and yeah, it was bad, worse than a lot of peoples even, i’m still here, i’m still living, and i’ve got a lot to be thankful for. who cares about what happened? well, actually i still do, but what i’ve come to realize is although it’s completely shaped who i am, and how i’ve developed, it does not categorize who i am. i am my own person, capable of whatever i choose to set my sights on, and nothing can hold me back. i’m capable of loving and forgiving, and giving people a second chance even though my history would discourage me against that. i am capable of loving myself and treating myself with respect even though my history would choose otherwise. most of all, i’m capable of being happy even though my baggage has the ability to hold me down. this is why i’ve choosen to cut the strings of all my baggage and stop holding on to my past, so that i can finally be free to live my life, and love it to. i need to appreciate what i’ve been through, not let it weigh me down.
however, before it’s gone forever, i want to put my only regret out there. my only regret in life (honestly) is emily. i should never have dabbled down such a road just to end up back where i started. these last few months have been tainted with the talking of people about how ‘she’s a dyke’ or ‘she only like girls’. i’ve come to realize that my mistake comes with many consequences and associations in which i’m forced to deal with everyday. and it’s not fair, but i should’ve thought more before i decided to try and lead a certain lifestyle that wasn’t necessarily me. i should’ve stayed true to myself, and had enough self respect to realize that i was making a big mistake. now, i’m left with the reminents of two years ago that won’t seem to go away, when all i want is to forget and move on. i’m not a lesbian, i will never dabble in women again, i made a mistake. i’m so excited for college so i can start fresh with a clean slate where people don’t hear about me and think ‘oh, isn’t that the dyke?’ but rather, appreciate me for how i actually am. i’m glad i’ve removed emily from my life, although i truly have no harsh feelings for her.
overall, i feel as though justin has really helped me make peace with a lot of my demons. he’s the one who’s constantly encouraging me to get over my issues, let go of my past, and just be happy. i really like him, and who knows how this will turn out.
