you make me wanna lose control.
i haven’t written on here in so long, and so i guess there’s a lot for me to say. or maybe there isn’t? we’ll see how it goes. i watched the degrassi episode last night where jane figures out that she was molested. i’ve never seen that episode before, and it made me really upset. it was the first time i ever let myself cry about what happened. i feel like that was a really good thing, and probably is why i’m in such a good mood today. i’m finally starting to realize that what happened isn’t my fault and that i’m not alone. i’ve never told the full account to anyone, and i don’t think i ever will. that’s okay though, because i have actually shared with a few people, and i couldn’t be more lucky to have such good support.
i’m in a relationship for the first time in about a year, and i’m actually really happy. i’ve never been with someone who has treated me well, and i’ve finally found that. he lays with me and just holds me for hours. he gives me cute kisses and takes care of me when i can’t take care of myself. i’m getting ahead of myself, but i feel really strongly about him. i could definitely see myself falling in love with him somewhere down the road. not yet though. he’s not perfect, he has his faults, but he talks to me and gives me the honest truth and that’s all i could really ask for. it kind of scares me though, how attatched i’m becoming. i miss him dearly when he’s not around. he’s not my world, but he sure is a great feature in it. i’m just glad i’ve finally found someone who treats me right, and wants to be with me.
the other night, though, we did something and i think it might’ve been a mistake. i don’t feel overly joyed about it, and i just think we rushed into it and yeah. luckily he’s understanding enough to have talked about it with me, and we’ve agreed not to try it again until i’m ready and the timing feels absolutely perfect. it’s not that i’m not ready, it’s just not how i intended it to come about, you know? i always had a picture in my mind of how it would go, and now that it didn’t go like that, i need time to prepare myself for the next round. quite frankly, i think i’m a little scared. i’m scared of the attatchments that will further, emotionally. i think i’m just afraid of being fucked over.
